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“I can tell the times we get short with each other are usually because we haven’t been intimate in a while, and when we do I definitely notice a positive difference in mood.” “It’s the days where maybe neither my boyfriend nor I feel super excited about having sex, but it’s sort of an acknowledgement of maintaining intimacy,” she said.Ī 31-year-old cis gay man told me something similar. In fact, Laurie Mintz, a professor of human sexuality at the University of Florida and author of Becoming Cliterate, suspects millennials and Gen Z-ers are the most sexually misinformed generations of all time, due to the unprecedented accessibility of misinformation. Over the course of hundreds of interviews with sexually active millennials and Gen Z-ers, I’ve found that sexual dissatisfaction is nondiscriminating, though the “badness” of bad sex varies wildly. I now know I am not alone in enduring medium, bad, to very bad sex again and again, even though I know better even though I own good vibrators even though my therapist is this close to leaving the field because I “don’t want to be helped.” No amount of sexual know-how or progressive personal feminism could salvage the majority of my sexual encounters.

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As a professional sex writer whose latest research is on maximizing pleasure, communicating with partners, and exploring sexual autonomy, I, too, grapple with the disconnect between the sex I know I could have and the sex I actually have. Have a question for Dear Life Kit? Share it anonymously here.

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Listen to Emily Nagoski's full response in the audio at the top of the page or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. If there is a single specific thing, it's cuddling after sex. But the research tells us none of those things are good predictors of a couple's long-term sexual satisfaction. People often think that you can assess a sex life in terms of spontaneous desire, how many orgasms people have, what positions you use, or whether or not you do adventurous things. Sex is not important for all relationships, and it's normal for it to be important during some phases of a relationship and then not important for a while and then come back. So when you begin to move in the direction of erotic touch, your body can recognize, 'Oh, that's pleasure.' And if it feels pleasurable, you're probably going to be interested in experiencing more of it. Gradually, you'll build your body's access to knowing what pleasure feels like.

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Figure out how to connect and share time outside of sexuality.

Instead, focus on exploring different experiences of pleasure: food pleasure or play in other parts of your life. When people have negative associations with initiating sex, the first rule is to take sex off the table. Before I say it, can we agree that our relationship is not at stake?' I know that's a lot of buffer language, but we're so tender, so that's how much it takes. I'm going to say something, and I worry it will feel like I'm criticizing you, but I'm just trying to connect with you. It really matters to me that we can connect in this way. Try the sandwich method of criticism but with ninety percent bread and ten percent critique. It sounds like you're dissatisfied with the kind of sex you're having. One thing that fascinates me about the question is, 'First, the sex was great, then it got less interesting.' Do you mean interesting, or do you mean pleasurable? Do you like the sex you're having? And if not, what kind of sex is worth wanting?Ī couple of the questions I encourage people to think through and talk to their partner about are: 'What is it that I want when I want sex? What is it that I like when I like sex?' Those kinds of questions give us a lot more information about what might be happening. It is normal not to want sex you do not like.

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